Strength vs. Rest

Lately I have heard from so many people "You have so much strength". I appreciate those words so much but lately I have learned what "strength" is:

Although I seem so positive, I am not out of touch with reality.

I know how serious London's condition is and I almost know too much. I know that my daughter will never have a normal heart, I know that she has a life threatening condition. She will always be a single ventricle patient. I know her days are more fragile than the normal babies. I know her risks in each surgery. I know the risks in her everyday life. I know the doctor's appointments that will always follow her. I know what it feels like to be the woman with the sick baby. I know how it feels to have people scared to talk about the baby because they don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to not know my life plan, AT ALL. I know what it feels like to simply have no brain power left, to have complete mental exhaustion.

Sometimes it all seems too much. Last week my life felt so "heavy". I felt like everyday seemed to be filled with worry, and not enough with life's simple pleasures. One day last week I was alone for a little while and started to cry...slowly that cry turned into a full blown ugly cry. During that cry I said out loud to God "make it stop...at least for a little while".
That was my whole prayer that day, I was out of words and didn't know what to pray after praying for multiple times a day ongoing for months. I was tired of it all.

The very next day I felt such relief. A giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and life seemed light hearted again. There was so much goofiness in our house, time with friends felt normal, it felt good to smile in pictures and REALLY be smiling from within. I was given "rest".

The funny part about it all is nothing about my situation went away...London is still up for quite the battle and we have the journey ahead of us. The part that changed was I asked for "rest".

This cycle will come and go, shes not even here yet. But I consider this a training run...ask for it.

Strength comes when you ask for it. I still cry, I still worry, I still have so much anxiety every single doctors appointment...and that won't go away.

God didn't ask for perfect people, sometimes life gets too much and heavy. The best we can do is admit it and regroup.

"Come to me all you who are weary or burdened, I will give you rest..."