The last time eating was a pleasurable experience was in the womb. She never got to eat her first week of life. That's when babies get the eating thing down! When she was able to eat..she never tasted it or worked for it. She finally got to taste it and vomited constantly. Eating means it came up..try to feed that same taste to her? She's not stupid..she just wouldn't do it. She knew it would come back up and burn. The taste was ruined.
We tried every bottle at babies r us. Every formula. Every concoction of how to make it different...nothing.
Try teaching a 8 month old new tricks she should've learned week one...try almost saying "okay, so now you gotta work for it..and like it...which you never have"
I spent countless nights and days crying over her eating. Something seemed so evil about me not being able to feed her. That's what mommies do. I felt robbed. It stung like a knife to see moms feed..or breast feed (but that hurt will always be there). It was my deepest desire to just feed my child. I feared for the future. I feared that she would one day look me in the eye and feel anger that I didn't try harder for her. I didn't push and try every avenue for it to not go to surgery and have a tube/scar along with her others.
Satan will always find ways to sneak guilt into me. Her feeding in ways was a big way I felt another guilt. It was another way he could sneak thoughts like "look at this other scar...you did this to her."
It would be mountains and valleys. Some days I would be okay that it's not working..because we've been so blessed
with many other things. Some days I was every other word but okay and was point blank furious. I'm not proud of my behavior and actions some days.
One night in my brokenness I prayed "God, please help her THRIVE..I've made this about me..please make her THRIVE." I hoped that would envelop all that was the problem.
She slowly started to eat. Eating slowly became easy. Drinking was now impossible. It seemed like we were drowning. So much progress but in the same place. Still needing a tube.
I pulled the tube for the second time with all hopes in my heart it was the very last time. The first day she just ate..all formula was snuck in food bites. That night I felt defeated. It still wasn't enough to keep it out.
The next morning it went about the same. I called Trey so defeated that we can eat, take medicine but no liquid. Liquid was going to be it..the tube would have to go down again. When would the cycle ever be broken?
She went down for her morning nap and I thought to myself...she likes food...I snuck formula in food...try liquid formula/food? We have a mini blender and I put all her formula for a feed and a squeeze of her favorite baby food. Blended that puppy up and tried it...she downed all but 2 oz of her feed..which she then completed in food. Tried it again that night and she took even more.
Another miracle. Another desire of my heart fulfilled. I worked DAMN hard for it. I now have a PHD in "the misery camp of feeding a aversion baby".
99.999% of us don't have a feeding aversion..but guess what we do have? A surrender aversion. Every time I've given her over..he rewards me.
Give over your stress, your hurt, your desires, your sins, your mistakes..your starving for success..I promise the one who created you knows exactly the way. It might not be all the avenues you've tried. Keep trying for what you want and need. The first, 500th or 10 months worth...14+ times a day might not be it..but one day he will give you just the right ticket.
Keep trying. He listens and one day you will finally be full, satisfied and thriving.
Xo
