Lately our little family has gone through so many emotions. Some good & some bad. The past few weeks its really hit us how fast she will be here. We are so excited to see her but I don't have the natural feeling of a mother "just wanting her out". I go to doctors appointments and hear all the women say that and I just cant relate. I also can't relate to complaining about pregnancy. I know I can't stay pregnant forever, but sometimes I want to..just to know she's safe. Other days I want her to be here so some of the things people say will stop.
Being pregnant with a baby like London has taught me so much on how to be a friend to people in times like this.
We are SO grateful for all the support, prayers and people wanting to know everything about London's progress but sometimes people giving you random information, comparing health stories, saying they understand, or whispering when they talk to you like you are a whimpering flower with such a pitiful story is frustrating. Feeling "pitiful" is the worst. Theres nothing we can do about it. It is sad and unfortunate, it is absolutely not what you want for anybody..but it's already happened. I don't need to sound ungrateful or sassy but its just honesty. Too much is too much and honestly nobody knows how much we talk about in doctors appointments. I know TOO much.
Trey and I have had many conversations lately on how we've tried to almost shield ourselves from the emotions these next few months will bring. Its impossible but the human heart tries to build protection from hurt. We've got big windows for hurt coming up. I move to Dallas on May 17th to start my journey of being London's mom there. I won't move back to Oklahoma City until she is very clearly stable after her second surgery, the Glenn. It's hard to prepare a marriage for only weekend visits. We are 100% game for all we need to do for her best care but we also are stressed about missing each other. He's my best friend in this whole world and we have so much fun together. Our lives will for sure be different but it's our calling to give her the best care. I need to be close to the hospital and he needs to be here for his job. We will do it and come through stronger. "For better or for worse, in SICKNESS and in health."
Lately I shut myself off from information. I don't want to hear about hearts, I don't want to watch shows about hearts, I don't want to talk to anyone about this anymore. I have exhausted myself with all of that and you know what?? Shes not here yet so who knows if or what will happen. Talking about it is wasting my good energy that I need to handle all of this. Now is time to spend time with Trey, my puppy, get everything ready for her arrival and soak in days away from a hospital. I have around 4 doctors appointments a week (stress tests included) and that's where I leave the conversation of hearts. London's story will be different from all heart babies because every human body is different. Time with doctors is enough about hearts for now.
So, if you follow me on Facebook, Instagram, etc. you will see lots of husby/puppy lovin, swelling pregnant body, moving, and nesting! Lets worry about those hearts/ half a heart in about a month...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Lets get real here...
Long time no post right? This past weekend was my first shower. While we were in town for that we did maternity pictures that were a gift from a lifelong friend, Tara Hobgood Photography. She captured our first "family" photos with our little Milly..which became our first Christmas card. My shower was more than I could have ever asked for. Beautiful gifts, beautiful decorations and even more important, people who have loved me for years that put so much time and effort into making it that way. The time with family was great, the time soaking in being pregnant was great but something sparked in me as I was in the bathtub on our last night.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of MY heart. Sounds selfish, but it's honesty. I can feel myself getting scared of how I will feel. How I'll feel when I see her...how I'll feel when I touch her...how I'll feel when they take her away for surgery. How I will feel if its not going to go the way I want it to.
It's hard being called "strong", "inspirational" and "wonderful" in all of this when these emotions hit. I appreciate that so much but it would be a lie to say I never feel like this. It could last for minutes or days.
My prayers every day and night lately are for that to go away. I don't want that emotion now.
While I was in TJMAXX today trying to distract myself with something I love, I think The Lord "spoke" to me..if you believe in that sort of thing.
The memory of me nailing a piece of paper to a wooden cross at a booth at the Oklahoma state fair 3 days before I was pregnant with London. It felt such a relief to let go of "trying" and give it away. The paper said "a baby for Trey and Chelsey"
I haven't thought of that since it happened actually..but I did today.
I gave it up once, and hopefully I can give the worry of all of this away. I never ask for anything on these blogs, and its uncomfortable for me to ask, but I sincerely need prayers and support.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.."
I'm scared.
I'm scared of MY heart. Sounds selfish, but it's honesty. I can feel myself getting scared of how I will feel. How I'll feel when I see her...how I'll feel when I touch her...how I'll feel when they take her away for surgery. How I will feel if its not going to go the way I want it to.
It's hard being called "strong", "inspirational" and "wonderful" in all of this when these emotions hit. I appreciate that so much but it would be a lie to say I never feel like this. It could last for minutes or days.
My prayers every day and night lately are for that to go away. I don't want that emotion now.
While I was in TJMAXX today trying to distract myself with something I love, I think The Lord "spoke" to me..if you believe in that sort of thing.
The memory of me nailing a piece of paper to a wooden cross at a booth at the Oklahoma state fair 3 days before I was pregnant with London. It felt such a relief to let go of "trying" and give it away. The paper said "a baby for Trey and Chelsey"
I haven't thought of that since it happened actually..but I did today.
I gave it up once, and hopefully I can give the worry of all of this away. I never ask for anything on these blogs, and its uncomfortable for me to ask, but I sincerely need prayers and support.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.."
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
A dream is a wish your heart makes..
Several people have sent me dreams they have had of London. I wanted to write these down and share the similarities so I and London could always remember.
1. This person was in a hospital and there was lots of shuffling around. Many people running around and lots of sound. They turned around and in a room was a little girl, blonde hair, coloring so peacefully. They woke up and knew it was London.
2. This person was sitting there talking to a little girl in a pink dress. Casual conversation with a happy toddler. Woke up and knew it was London.
3. This person met London and The Lord told her "she is perfect" she is a creation of being "born again".
4. This person said that London has changed their life and made them want to be different. They prayed to see her face and they saw a little girl in their dream that night.
Sweet girl,
I hope you are able to watch Cinderella and sing "a dream is a wish your heart makes...when you're fast asleep!" Many people have wishes you are going to be okay. Xox
1. This person was in a hospital and there was lots of shuffling around. Many people running around and lots of sound. They turned around and in a room was a little girl, blonde hair, coloring so peacefully. They woke up and knew it was London.
2. This person was sitting there talking to a little girl in a pink dress. Casual conversation with a happy toddler. Woke up and knew it was London.
3. This person met London and The Lord told her "she is perfect" she is a creation of being "born again".
4. This person said that London has changed their life and made them want to be different. They prayed to see her face and they saw a little girl in their dream that night.
Sweet girl,
I hope you are able to watch Cinderella and sing "a dream is a wish your heart makes...when you're fast asleep!" Many people have wishes you are going to be okay. Xox
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Not mine.
This past week I was sent a devotional that really comforted me as well as reminded me that I can't control London's life.
Today a friend of mine that has a son with Hypoplastic left heart (London has right) is in the cardiac ICU with her son, Beckham, after he has done so well for three months. He started looking off and not eating yesterday and they took him in. The echo showed he had a small heart attack that has started a leak in his tricuspid valve. He was put back on the ECMO life support machine and they are waiting a few days to see his condition. Here's a mama that had a son smiling and perfect a few days ago and now he is back on the ECMO.
This whole heart journey is a roller coaster. I am positive because..I like to live my life happy. What am I suppose to do just shrivel up and be depressed my whole life because my child has a heart problem? That's not fun for me, my friends, my family or my daughter to have a negative stressed out mom. I don't want that pressure on her. I dont want to push everyone away because its not fun to be around me. Because I am positive and wish the best for my girl doesn't mean it's not terrifying. I am scared and literally dont know my life story at all each day. my life could go so many ways. London honestly takes life day by day. Mama takes life day by day. I have a feeling each birthday and milestone I will be overwhelmed with "Whew! We made it to ____."
The devotional is this:
"I know your heart and I know how much you love those close to you. I am your creator and giver of every good gift. I have given you loved ones to share your life with. But you, my child, must remember that those you love ultimately belong to me, not you. I didn't give you those loved ones to tear you apart or to give you a fear of the future. Like Abraham with his son Isaac, I need you to open your heart and give them back to me. Trust me with everything you need regarding them. Place your hand in mine and trust me to be with you and your loved one with all this life brings."
At the end of the day, London belongs to Him. Beckham belongs to Him. If he feels that the way to heal Beckham or London is to take them home, that's his plan. I know that would rip our hearts out and hurt forever, but one day we would see His face and understand why. It's called faith and trust.
Until my daughter has her own story, I'm going to believe she's going to pull through and life a long and fulfilled life. Nobody can take that gift from me as I approach her birth. London is a fresh start and I have great hope in her.
This Thursday we have our last ultrasound for her. The last time we will see her sweetness until she's born.
Time to soak in being pregnant with her, get on this horse and hope the best for her. She can do it.
Today and the next few days, say a prayer for little Beckham.
Today a friend of mine that has a son with Hypoplastic left heart (London has right) is in the cardiac ICU with her son, Beckham, after he has done so well for three months. He started looking off and not eating yesterday and they took him in. The echo showed he had a small heart attack that has started a leak in his tricuspid valve. He was put back on the ECMO life support machine and they are waiting a few days to see his condition. Here's a mama that had a son smiling and perfect a few days ago and now he is back on the ECMO.
This whole heart journey is a roller coaster. I am positive because..I like to live my life happy. What am I suppose to do just shrivel up and be depressed my whole life because my child has a heart problem? That's not fun for me, my friends, my family or my daughter to have a negative stressed out mom. I don't want that pressure on her. I dont want to push everyone away because its not fun to be around me. Because I am positive and wish the best for my girl doesn't mean it's not terrifying. I am scared and literally dont know my life story at all each day. my life could go so many ways. London honestly takes life day by day. Mama takes life day by day. I have a feeling each birthday and milestone I will be overwhelmed with "Whew! We made it to ____."
The devotional is this:
"I know your heart and I know how much you love those close to you. I am your creator and giver of every good gift. I have given you loved ones to share your life with. But you, my child, must remember that those you love ultimately belong to me, not you. I didn't give you those loved ones to tear you apart or to give you a fear of the future. Like Abraham with his son Isaac, I need you to open your heart and give them back to me. Trust me with everything you need regarding them. Place your hand in mine and trust me to be with you and your loved one with all this life brings."
At the end of the day, London belongs to Him. Beckham belongs to Him. If he feels that the way to heal Beckham or London is to take them home, that's his plan. I know that would rip our hearts out and hurt forever, but one day we would see His face and understand why. It's called faith and trust.
Until my daughter has her own story, I'm going to believe she's going to pull through and life a long and fulfilled life. Nobody can take that gift from me as I approach her birth. London is a fresh start and I have great hope in her.
This Thursday we have our last ultrasound for her. The last time we will see her sweetness until she's born.
Time to soak in being pregnant with her, get on this horse and hope the best for her. She can do it.
Today and the next few days, say a prayer for little Beckham.
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