All of me

This past week was one of the biggest weeks for me. I feel like I have aged 10 years just in one week. I went through being overwhelmed, stress, fear, sadness, anger, tenseness, controlling, etc.....about every emotion a person can have as a defense mechanism.

I feel like my defense wall went way up this week. I wanted to guard myself from the emotions I was feeling. I have always turned "tough" when I don't think I can handle how I feel. I shut down and introvert myself. Trey can always sense when I am getting too tough.

There are a few things that I have learned that really changed my heart the past few days.

The Christian band Sanctus Real has a band member that had a son with Hypo plastic LEFT Heart Syndrome (London has RIGHT). Matt Hammitt wrote a few songs during his and his wife's battle with the heart journey.

He talked about the defense mechanism that they went through with all the uncertainty for their sons birth. He had all the feelings that I had and decided to turn it around. Its a choice how we live each day. You choose fear, sadness, irritation in your life. This song is about his decision to live life each day with no fear of whats to come. His child deserves all of him, no matter what COULD happen.


Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I'm so close to what I can't control, I can't give you half my heart and pray he makes you whole.
You're going to have all of me, You're going to have all of me
You're worth every falling tear, You're worth facing any fear
You're going to know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms, I won't let pain keep you from my heart.
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I'll share with you.
You're going to have all of me, You're going to have all of me
You're worth every falling tear, You're worth facing any fear
You're going to know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven brought you to this moment, its too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you even if I bleed, You're worth all of me.

You're going to have all of me, You're going to have all of me
You're worth every falling tear, You're worth facing any fear
You're going to know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start.

This song has been on repeat to me the past few days. I can chose to live in fear, sadness, irritation, and build walls or I can be living each day one second, minute, hour at a time. I will deal with things as they come, London deserves "all of me".

Each of you readers out there: go to bed tonight knowing you CHOOSE your day. You can choose happiness. None of us know our tomorrow, don't let fear guard you from life.

Diagnosis and where we go from here

Yesterday we were in Dallas for our first cardiology appointment for London. We showed up at Children's Dallas and were taken to the third floor for her first ECHO first. For those of you that don't know what an ECHO is, it is a heart sonogram. I laid on the table for one hour and 45 mins as three people whispered and looked at each and every inch of her heart. It was so comforting to have Trey and his parents in there with me. After that long screening we were told to go next door for a "consultation" with the doctor. We sat at a small table and all pulled out notebooks/notes to take as she spoke. She showed us a picture and explanation of what normal anatomy of a heart looks like...and then showed us what London has.

The diagnosis is:
1) Tricuspid artresia- London's tricuspid artery never formed correctly. Therefore, her right ventricle didn't grow with her. She basically put it in easy terms by saying "no flow, no grow"
2) Hypo plastic Right Ventricle- Hypo plastic right ventricle means a smaller barely functioning right ventricle.
3) Smaller aortic valve - skinnier than normal aortic arches.
4) Concern for aortic interrupted arch - her aortic arch might not be connected to the bottom of her heart.
5) London has a larger ventricular sepal opening (which is actually good for all of her other defects)

Our surgeon will be Dr. Joseph Forbess. I have heard so many WONDERFUL things about Dr. Forbess. Yesterday was no exception on the wonderful things about him. He actually is known for his work on hypo plastic hearts and aortic arch reconstruction. His statistics are MUCH better than the national average (which is 85%).

After the diagnosis we went on a tour of the cardiac ICU to see where London will be taken after I deliver her. We were told yesterday that usually they are pretty stable after birth and we will be able to hold her/take some pictures. She will be taken there in the first day of life and will be watched very closely. Her condition if not treated, she would turn very blue fast. Taking her to the NICU allows them to monitor oxygen levels, blood flow and her stability.

She will have her first open heart surgery in the first week of life. This surgery is called the Norwood (which I mentioned in my previous blogs). This surgery will be a giant change for her heart. They will block off parts of her heart and do some "re plumbing". They will create a shunt for her to get better blood flow to her lungs. This surgery is also where Dr. Forbess will reconstruct and widen her aortic arch. After this surgery is her most critical time period, her heart has to learn how to function this way. She has to learn how to eat, gain weight, and the pressure in her lungs must go down. Of course we heard statistics, things that "could" happen, things shes at higher risk for, etc. She will be in the ICU for around 3-4 weeks if she does well. Two people can sleep in the room so I will most likely sleep there most nights. She will then be moved to the 8th floor where they will teach Trey and I how to take care of her. We will learn how to check her oxygen levels, weigh her (everyday), care for her scar... The 8th floor is the step closer to going home.

Home, well that's another thing we talked about yesterday...I will most likely have to live in Dallas until her next surgery, the Glenn, (4-6 months of age). They like these high risk babies to be around 20-30 mins close to Childrens. Most of the infant deaths in these cases are because the families aren't close enough to the hospital if something were to go wrong. We are still trying to figure out our plan for that time period. Most likely we will find an apartment for me and Trey will just come up on weekends. I know this is such a short period of time and is whats best for our daughter...but I'm going to miss being with my husband.

Yesterday was more than draining. Probably one of the most draining days of my life. Its such a weird feeling to be pregnant with a baby that will have such struggle. Walking through that hospital was also a giant reality check, this is my new life.

I guess one positive of yesterday is we know what specific things to pray for and it could have been worse.

Specific things to pray for:
1) Londons aortic arch/aorta to grow with her.
2) Blood flow in the aorta and aortic arch to not have "back flow" in her brain. For her brain to not experience any delays or physical delays.
3) Her lungs to grow strong.
4) That I don't go into labor early, she is full term and is big as we can get her.


This is one of the least fun blog posts...but its reality. I'm stressed, so incredibly tired and wish more than anything in this world I could give her a better heart. I will get better but yesterday was hard. It's hard to feel like God can't hear me.
Driving home around 11, Trey just said "I love you. I wouldn't change anything about you."
I guess it's Jesus in disguise, telling me "I've sent people to help you, I love you."

Thank you for the prayers,  we all need them.

ultrasound appointment and girl time

Today was our first ultrasound appointment since our not so favorite day...

We went in and I was a giant chatty Kathy as we waited in the waiting room. If you know me at all, you know that when I am nervous I just talk and talk and talk. Trey was very sweet and was my talking partner today. They finally let us in and it was another good hour of looking at London and her heart. I have become much more observant in ultrasounds after the last one and watched every second. Every word they typed and sound they listened to, I watched. The lady typed the words "cerebellum" "aorta" "pulm vein" "kidneys" etc. A sigh of relief would come each time she would type those words because I would know that means "SHE HAS THAT!" It sounds so silly but now that I am in the world of birth defects, I am worried about ALL the birth defects.
Dr. Stanley came in and was so sweet... Remembered us and every lick of conversation we have had or had that day three weeks ago. He looked at her and said the same thing he said last time but also the words "she looks perfect everywhere else. Nothing worse by any means."
That was such a sigh of relief. Although her heart condition is very serious, fatal if not treated...she is fixable. Her condition is not "hopeless", in fact, she has about a 85% chance of doing well.
If we can get London through her three open heart surgeries (gulp!) we can make it through.

Don't get me wrong - today was hard. I'm much stronger than three weeks ago and can accept three open heart surgeries easier because it is necessary for her life...but I don't want it. If I could give anything, pay anything, give anything out of my body...I would. But I cant, I can be her mother and pray for her. As much as I would like for it to go away and as much as I wanted it to, it didn't. But her story isn't over yet!

London's funny personality traits:
She has reallyy long skinny legs
She has pouty lips (just like her mama!)
A pointy nose just like the Horkey side
Long skinny feet
She loves her feet and hands right by her face, that's right, shes basically in stretching upside down at all times.
She moves ALOT
Trey calls her Londybear, which is hilarious. Every time I see bears I think of the princess. Bears and hearts are in her future.


After work today I had a hair appointment, which was just a great end to today. I'm stressed, relieved, sad, happy and overwhelmed all at the same time. I am so grateful for prayers, overwhelmed that this is our future, but hopeful and grateful for all the other bridges we missed.

Information overload

The past few days us Horkeys have been a tad under the weather. A virus has blown through our little house and has slowed us down. Treys passed much quicker than mine...and he had it first.

Being sick has made me learn a few things. I don't do well at home with a iPad being too close to research. I have looked at information, blogs, doctors, hospitals, questions I should ask, etc. until it has made me (even more) sick. Today I have banned myself from all of those things. I don't necessarily think it makes me a bad mother to not want to know. I don't want to know all the bad stories, bad treatments, bad recoveries and bad things that "could" happen. I now chose to accept London's case differently. Yes, she might have the same diagnosis as those kids, but her recovery and healing could be different. Her statistics could be different. No case is ever the same.

Today was definitely a low day when I realized I had filled my mind with entirely too much "stress". I brought all this stress upon myself. I knew it would creep up after a few weeks. There are some things that people have said lately that sting:

"I just cant imagine" ---well, me either.

"I don't know how you are going to do it" ---well, me either

"I didn't want to tell you, I know you have so much going on" --- I don't like to feel "different"

I am the same ol Chelsey, just learning how to live life completely differently than I have. I don't sweat the small stuff...because I can't. I still need the contacts from friends, funny stories, light hearted events and joys I always have...actually, even more now than ever.


I know that being a parent you will always worry about your child. I already feel an immense worry for my little girl. But you know what? there is NOTHING I can do about it but give it to God. God knows my story a few months down this road and no amount of information, studies, blogs, etc. will make myself feel any better or my situation any different. We have been put in such good hands in Oklahoma City along with Dallas and I trust that the Lord is going to work along with them to get us where we need to be. This Thursday we look at London again and I already feel excited to see her. The last time I saw her I felt sad for her. I am ready to look at her and thank her for moving so much lately, to almost tell me..."hey mom, chill out. I'm just peachy in here! O and also, stop looking at the internet."

I know most of your aren't in my situation, but we can all learn a little on you cannot CONTROL it or COMPARE your life to anyone elses.

We all have a separate story and God wants us to just show up in life and "do not be afraid".

Prophecy and Busy bees!

This past week I had something so beautiful happen to me. I went this past Friday night with a friend to a church program her church was having on "healing". When I heard the word healing I knew that no matter what I needed to be there. I showed up a little nervous I would get too emotional and embarrass myself in church in front of all these new people. The first song we sang was "Healer" by Kari Jobe. That song felt so raw coming out of my mouth as the lyrics say:

"You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease.
I trust in You, I trust in You.
I believe You're my Healer. I believe You are all I need.
Nothing is impossible for You, Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands."

After the first verse of the song the lady up front pointed at me through the audience and said "sweetie, do you mind coming up here?"
I walked up there and she told the congregation I needed prayer as I just heard daunting news about my baby. The whole congregation prayed and a few people laid hands on my stomach. During the service a lady reached over and whispered in my ear "She will be a princess for the Lord, an advocate for his miracles. She is special. It's all going to be alright." Nobody told them I was coming, nobody told them I had issues with the baby...

I left there feeling as though angels flooded those women and without me saying a word they knew I needed prayer and knew London's purpose. I believe the Lord gave them a pulling to talk to me and address London.
It was the first time I have experienced prophecy and it was amazing.

Since the change of news in our baby I have been in overdrive. I am usually type A and enjoy staying busy but lately it is times 5...or 10!
Our house is spotless, I spend hours in Target, go to the grocery store, started setting up London's room and have made numerous lists. Being busy is good for my mind right now. I feel happy when my life feels "normal" and not like our world is different.

My plans for London's room is I want it to feel "whimsical". I love Anthropologie and their style. I had to stay away from that look a little bit in the rest of our house because it can tend to feel "girly". London's room is free reign on GIRLY! Right now she has some coral ruffle curtains that are my favorite part of the room. Little miss will not get to see her room for the first few months of her life so when she comes home I want it to feel fun and care free. This style is something she can grow with and enjoy the patterns and colors.

Today we had our first regular ob appointment since the news. I felt such anxiety pulling up because it was the first doctors appointment. This appointment will be the least nervy because all he does is check my vitals/levels and listen to her heartbeat. Her heartbeat was strong and good. He said it is in the normal to strong range which is amazing if she is working with her left ventricle only! She has some sass to fight!

Because of our transition to Dallas, I'm sure the planning and decorating will continue and in full force. Everything will need to be done by the end of April.

Today I can go to sleep knowing my little girl is kicking, has a normal to strong heartbeat, and I'm holding up pretty darn well.

Bless her heart

We are having a baby girl! We could not be more excited. Her name will be London Claire Horkey.

On January 11th Trey and I went into the stork vision in Edmond to find out the sex of our baby. That was such a joy filled day. I woke up that morning and had all kinds of thoughts running through my head...today my life will change for the better. I will be a boy mom or a girl mom and I can finally call this baby in my tummy a name. Lunch came and I could barely handle my jitters! We got to stork vision a little early (out of excitement) and they let us in early. I laid on that table and teared the whole time as we watched our baby girl and each of her features. She had the sweetest feet, the sweetest hands, and most of all we watched her heart beating. She has life!
That following Monday I had a normal ob appointment just for a check up. Appointment went pretty normal and I sat in the room waiting for my doctor. He came in and looking back I could tell that something was wrong. Pretty soon after he came in he told me that "Stork vision found a pretty serious defect in the baby and you will need to go to a specialized doctor for futher analysis to see what we are looking at." My heart sank but it was also a survival mode of what my next steps were. I asked a few questions and found out information of where we needed to go. I was originally told that we would have to wait another 2 weeks for this appointment. I called Trey and broke down, it was more emotional coming out of MY mouth than someone elses. I had to tell somebody news that ripped my own heart right open. Trey immediately came to be with me and called a nurse who was able to get us in to the specialist that day. We immediately drove to Norman and sat in an office for hours.

Finally that night after analysis on London we saw answers. As of NOW she has a right ventricle defect. This diagnosis, if she in fact has this, she will need three open heart surgeries before the age of 3. They are called the Norwood, Glenn and Fontan procedures. We will meet with cardiologists in Dallas to confirm but our doctor was pretty confident that this is all we are looking at. He sees no other abnormalities in her.

What is so refreshing is London is not affected in any way right now. The placenta and heart function differently when she is inside the womb and she is getting everything she needs. Her problems would start after birth. Her birth and care will have to be in Dallas. Trey will stay here and just travel.

The first few days were terrible. I have never heard of a diagnosis like this and immediately thought the worst. How could a baby survive like this? Did I do this to her? Why me?

The answers are yes, babies can survive and thrive. Her chances are pretty darn good. No, I did not do this to her..its not genetic. The answer to "why me" I will never understand.

After many visits with nurses and researching, this is all doable...medically but also spiritually. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles and I also believe God knew of London and knew she would have this defect. He knew Trey and I would receive the gift of London. London's heart was created imperfectly but perfectly to me.

She already has taught us so much. Trey and I love each other beyond belief and will get through anything. Don't take health or life for granted. Be kind to each person you encounter because you never know what kind of day they are having nor the gravity of news they are having to accept. The power in the family of Christ. The "peace that surpasses all understanding".

Dont get me wrong, I am human. I have moments of fear, bitterness and just sadness. I wish I could just make it all go away. I wish she could have my healthy heart. I know those emotions will always be there. Its part of being human. I also remind myself, JESUS said "why have you forsaken me?" This surely allows us to have times of doubt.

I would like to ask all our prayer warriors to shoot for the moon. I pray that we can see a miracle in London for complete healing. Wouldn't it be great for me to go in to my next appointment and its fixed?? I am not one to think it cant happen. If not, thats okay.. I am up for this challenge. Thank you London for your life and we are your biggest soliders.

Planning, Planning, and Planning.

Long time no post right? Things have been crazy for us these last few months. We went on an trip to Jamaica, Possum Kingdom, THUNDERING UP ;) and have been totally MIA most weekends.

You cant leave a thunder game without jumping with the Cox bubble! Me and the 4 year olds...

Update on the house:
We finally have walls and it looks like a REAL place! It is so crazy how much different it looks when the walls go up. It has been so much fun for us to pick out everything we want. What I have learned about building/designing a house:

1. It is absolutely impossible to make people understand that not eveerryyyonne is traditional and likes brown, brown and more brown. I have had to make an extra effort at places to find a different style. I like my fixtures and kitchen more contemporary which is very hard to come by around here. Oklahoma City is very french country/traditional...which is BEAUTIFUL but just not us.

Here are some sneak peeks into our selections:

I made a joke to somebody that I would have no lights in the rest of the house if I could have these in the kitchen. I thought they would TOTALLY be out of our price range but we found some that were! We are doing bronze industrial pendants over the island. These are going to be my favorite part of the house I already know it!

Again, this is not a picture of our kitchen yet. But we decided on white subway tile with gray grout! I am so excited about this too. Trey was laughing at how obsessed I was with getting the kitchen right. I feel like the kitchen is your statement room of the house.

I have had really great luck at Ballard Designs lately. I have gotten our dining room fixture among a few other things. If you are thinking about re-doing a room in your house or building. Check them out! They really reward you too. We have gotten so many gift cards in the mail after ordering something from them!

Update soon on cabinets and paint. Its rollin' quick now! :)