Not mine.

This past week I was sent a devotional that really comforted me as well as reminded me that I can't control London's life.

Today a friend of mine that has a son with Hypoplastic left heart (London has right) is in the cardiac ICU with her son, Beckham, after he has done so well for three months. He started looking off and not eating yesterday and they took him in. The echo showed he had a small heart attack that has started a leak in his tricuspid valve. He was put back on the ECMO life support machine and they are waiting a few days to see his condition. Here's a mama that had a son smiling and perfect a few days ago and now he is back on the ECMO.

This whole heart journey is a roller coaster. I am positive because..I like to live my life happy. What am I suppose to do just shrivel up and be depressed my whole life because my child has a heart problem? That's not fun for me, my friends, my family or my daughter to have a negative stressed out mom. I don't want that pressure on her. I dont want to push everyone away because its not fun to be around me. Because I am positive and wish the best for my girl doesn't mean it's not terrifying. I am scared and literally dont know my life story at all each day. my life could go so many ways. London honestly takes life day by day. Mama takes life day by day. I have a feeling each birthday and milestone I will be overwhelmed with "Whew! We made it to ____."

The devotional is this:

"I know your heart and I know how much you love those close to you. I am your creator and giver of every good gift. I have given you loved ones to share your life with. But you, my child, must remember that those you love ultimately belong to me, not you. I didn't give you those loved ones to tear you apart or to give you a fear of the future. Like Abraham with his son Isaac, I need you to open your heart and give them back to me. Trust me with everything you need regarding them. Place your hand in mine and trust me to be with you and your loved one with all this life brings."

At the end of the day, London belongs to Him. Beckham belongs to Him. If he feels that the way to heal Beckham or London is to take them home, that's his plan. I know that would rip our hearts out and hurt forever, but one day we would see His face and understand why. It's called faith and trust.

Until my daughter has her own story, I'm going to believe she's going to pull through and life a long and fulfilled life. Nobody can take that gift from me as I approach her birth. London is a fresh start and I have great hope in her.

This Thursday we have our last ultrasound for her. The last time we will see her sweetness until she's born.

Time to soak in being pregnant with her, get on this horse and hope the best for her. She can do it.

Today and the next few days, say a prayer for little Beckham.