Lets get real here...

Long time no post right? This past weekend was my first shower. While we were in town for that we did maternity pictures that were a gift from a lifelong friend, Tara Hobgood Photography. She captured our first "family" photos with our little Milly..which became our first Christmas card. My shower was more than I could have ever asked for. Beautiful gifts, beautiful decorations and even more important, people who have loved me for years that put so much time and effort into making it that way. The time with family was great, the time soaking in being pregnant was great but something sparked in me as I was in the bathtub on our last night.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of MY heart. Sounds selfish, but it's honesty. I can feel myself getting scared of how I will feel. How I'll feel when I see her...how I'll feel when I touch her...how I'll feel when they take her away for surgery. How I will feel if its not going to go the way I want it to.

It's hard being called "strong", "inspirational" and "wonderful" in all of this when these emotions hit. I appreciate that so much but it would be a lie to say I never feel like this. It could last for minutes or days.

My prayers every day and night lately are for that to go away. I don't want that emotion now.

While I was in TJMAXX today trying to distract myself with something I love, I think The Lord "spoke" to me..if you believe in that sort of thing.

The memory of me nailing a piece of paper to a wooden cross at a booth at the Oklahoma state fair 3 days before I was pregnant with London. It felt such a relief to let go of "trying" and give it away. The paper said "a baby for Trey and Chelsey"

I haven't thought of that since it happened actually..but I did today.

I gave it up once, and hopefully I can give the worry of all of this away. I never ask for anything on these blogs, and its uncomfortable for me to ask, but I sincerely need prayers and support.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.."