Trauma and my smiling Bible

Living in these last 7 months was like autopilot survival mode. You wake up, do what you have to do..another day down waiting for surgery and "going home".  I almost was numb, I had no emotion most days. I don't think I even cried when I should have. Every single thing she did I had to watch for. Children's has a safe at home program that has red flags to look for. Faster breathing, vomiting more than twice a day, fever, change in color, anything that is "different than her norm". We checked her heart rate and oxygen saturations everyday, we weighed her at night. Every Friday or Monday we went to clinic to have a doctor and the hospital put their eye on her. Throw in many trips that something was critically wrong, we would stay overnight..for many nights. One time it was worse than we brought her in for. All the things I was taught to look for..happened. Her heart failed. 

We finally got surgery and were considered high risk all around the hospital. The child who was so unpredictable. The surgeon who loved her and would do surgery..knowing her risk. She was in his category of higher risk for mortality. I signed papers saying I was okay with that. 

I remember laying there that night before surgery knowing tomorrow the odds could be she is no longer with me. We could have lost our battle. The battle we all gave our life for. 

She did amazing. Out in 6 days and came home. 

We all struggled. London wasn't doing well with feeds anymore. My day was trying passy dips, baby food, bottle, playing in food, putting milk in syringes and squirting with her passy, sippy cups, etc. with nothing but screaming or vomiting after she gagged at me. I cried for lots of reasons. I was grateful, sad, beaten...

What in the world did I just go through? I can't believe I did it. It's trauma. A car wreck of emotions for 7 months.. Just not outwardly visible. 7 months not counting the months of pregnancy knowing what we will face. The 13+ times I was told I could abort. 

I felt moments of grief in my jubilation. I witnessed a miracle but many moments when little things are hard (eating), I grieve the loss of a "healthy" child. Grief all the while being thankful with all my heart. What a double sword. 

I'm not a negative person. I don't live like that. You'll never see me live like that. London will be treated and live normally, like I never knew of her weak heart. 

I needed to get it out..it's not healthy for that much trauma and to keep it in. 

She's a gift from Jesus to me. She gives me no choice than to learn patience, thanksgiving, mercy, pureness, "stronger than the grave", sympathy to many with depression, sympathy to many with helplessness, sympathy to all moms. 

She's a gift of all the hard lessons in life. I get it all at once in a smiling beautiful pink package. For that, I'll take trauma everyday for the rest of my life.