A new world from a new life

Before I had London I could have never imagined the life I have now. Who I would be now. I worried about the silly things. My life was so complicated. What would people think? What's everybody else doing? How could I have that? What does my future hold? What if? Wonder when? Wonder what they will do? Typical keeping up with the joneses life worries. 

I've been changed. My world is different. 

The things I've seen, the people I've met. The children I've seen who've been taken home to Jesus so soon. That "look" on parents eyes in the ICU. Holding on to numbers praying they are in a safe range. The conversations I've had. Rounds in the morning and the look on the doctors face that you are in a critical situation, no dancing around it. The rushing of doctors and nurses into rooms because the child is dying. Coming in a room one morning to seeing empty beds, and they weren't sent "home". The feeling I get every time London gets an echo or a test run. The anxiety of the things I was told about London that turned out not to be true. The pregnancy that people were scared to talk to me about because it was an awkward subject. The fear every day that I would lose her or she would come early. The schedule in my mind of her surgeries and our life in and out of the hospital. The worry of complications and things that weren't  caught before. Leaving my husband and house for 6+ months and giving up all of my life to care for London. Not being able to take her out in between surgeries in fear of getting her sick.  Worrying about heart failure..on the daily.

I am not too cool to admit I already have post traumatic stress disorder. Yes, an anxiety problem. 

Children's is such a miracle place, but also makes me so nervous walking in. Its the place I left every night praying my baby would be there by morning. The place where all of this happened. The place I came to hand her over to a surgery that is VERY risky and theres no way to know how she would do..we would have to "wait and see". The place I've taken her back a FEW times since going "home", every time I worry if this "is it". 

Every day in the condo I take care of London and patiently wait to her NEXT surgery so I can go "home" to Oklahoma and have my life again. I miss my house, I miss running around town, I miss my friends, I miss eating out with my husband and family. I miss getting dressed and seeing people other than doctors and nurses. I'm so ready for us to be home and have a sense of what this world calls "normal". Normal to me now days is not being trapped by hospitals and medical bills...and that's okay. 

We've been through a lot, but are so blessed. I know many families personally that would LOVE to be in our shoes. We have our baby and shes doing very well. I'm blessed, grateful and being very honest..proud of myself for walking through burning hell. Straight up terrible things.

We walk through burning hell again in a few short weeks for her Glenn. The Glenn is by no means as serious or traumatic but all I know is traumatic. I don't know any open heart surgery that isn't. 

I'm still the same ol Chelsey..but so much simpler.. I love being a Horkey. I love a good laugh. I love to smile. I love being a caretaker. I love myself. I love to hope. I love being a friend. I love the life of London. Simpler in the way of my time and energy. 

Same Chelsey, just have been stabbed quite bit but stitched up again. I guess London is not the only one that will walk away with some scars. Good scars.