Questions from other people about "Are you mad at God?", statements like "God gave you this because he knew you could handle it" and my own questions of "what are you doing? Why this?"
I am definitely not perfect. There are days and actually multiple days where I don't pray because I just don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I don't understand and so I don't know what's "right" or "wrong" to pray for.
The statement "God gave you this because he knew you could handle it". I do have pit bull mommy genes for my own reasons but I didn't like the association between God GIVING me a sick child. I think this world gives sickness..God heals to show his glory. God allows things, I don't think God GIVES hurtful things. Yes, I was bred to be a fighting mom..but I don't think he gave me a sick child for that reason.
The closest I ever felt to God was right before I got pregnant with London. I was so whiney and begging God for a child. I turned to every verse that had a inkling of "I have plans for you" and just felt as though he would sustain me each day with me having hope of a future.I took that pregnancy test and shook and sobbed..I felt his presence. It was almost like a "relax" I know what I'm doing..way more than you.
Ever since finding out about London I have never once been mad at God. Yes, I've been frustrated like he stepped away from me..but no anger. The truth is I probably stepped away. I stepped away in an effort to try to understand all these questions..which is doubting and not showing faith. I don't hear his voice but I've always felt these things very strongly.
I gave you her.
She is here for a reason.
Your life isn't over, this doesn't define your life. I have so much for you.
Yes I'm entirely stressed of all the scary things. Her having more health problems, her length of life, etc. But never once have I been mad.
As I approach looking into her eyes in a few days. I hope all those feelings flood me time and time again. I hope my walls of protection come down and I trust in him each day for strength.
I am now in London mode. Her safe birth, surgeries and care are my number one. The best interest of that little missy is my summer. Never once will I be mad at God for that.
"Lord you created me. Perfectly shaping me. I know my heart is safe in your arms. Lord you know everything so when I feel afraid, I put my faith in you. This life is yours to give so with each new day let it bring you praise..For I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Before I was born you numbered my days. The story is yours, I'm just a page."
Precious girl, here we go! Next summer we will have you in a cute swimsuit and I'll squeeze you, see your zipper scar down your chest and say "dang...we made it. What a HELL of a ride."
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